Monthly Archives: July 2020

A Post-Hard Pants Society by Elizabeth Palmer

A couple weeks into quarantine, when we still had the emotional bandwidth to joke about it, I recall seeing someone’s husband enjoying his new life in sweatpants, vowing never to wear “hard pants” (jeans) again.

Approaching my fifth month sans hard pants, I’ve been trying to reflect on what I’m going to
take with me from this chapter.

  • Will I ever wear jeans again?
  • How many more holes can I possibly poke into my ears?
  • Will the existential dread that reared its head in March ever go away?
  • Will I ever feel safe in public without a mask on?
  • What’s the point of having my nose pierced if nobody can see it?

When the social constraint of hard pants left, so did my ability to really check in with myself. I have a million thoughts in my brain, but once I actually sit down and try to work through them, I can’t even name one. I know I’m not alone in this which is taking the pressure off attempting to figure that out, but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I’ve always been the person to remind others to take time to themselves, to allow space for whatever emotions they’re feeling, to move their bodies and breathe, and I used to be a good model of that for others.

Now, instead of spending my first two hours awake each day going for a run, stretching, meditating and reading, I sleep in (even though I fall asleep before 10 every night), scroll on Tik Tok for an hour until my eyes start to hurt, eat whatever baked good is on the counter and start my internship.

I’m not alone in feeling like I’ve lost myself a little bit. I’ve worked so hard these past 3 years to establish a routine and good habits, prioritize my mental health and be a good, transparent example. I’ll be honest and say I feel a little bit like I’ve failed myself these past four months.

But then the part of my brain that encourages others says to me, “You’re alive in a pandemic, that’s your only job. Stay alive, and keep others alive by being responsible. That’s literally it.” That gives me a new perspective for a few minutes, and then my attention span fails me again and I’m back on frog Tik Tok.

So what does a post-hard pants society even look like? Are we all going to finally accept wearing leggings in the workplace? Do we all go to therapy? Does anyone have any ideas? Because for someone who has a lot of opinions and thinks she knows everything, I have absolutely none.

Thoughts on Reflection by Gabe Martinez

This summer has been very different from previous years. Although the circumstances for this summer have not been ideal, it has created the best environment for reflection. I am a person who dislikes free time because it gives me time to think about everything. A lot of overthinking has been done in these three months. All this thinking is overwhelming because there’s no structure, and my mind likes to spiral down during these moments. My goal for this summer was to better my reflection skills. Through CAPS I have been able to do that through peer reflect ins, mentor meetings, and these blog posts. I have found that whenever I feel overwhelmed the best way to get rid of that feeling was through writing. I have never been a fan of journaling because I always enjoyed talking to people about it (in person), but due to COVID-19 that wasn’t possible. I knew that I could always call or facetime anybody, but it wasn’t the same. Somehow journaling was better. All of these spaces have allowed me to reflect on current events, and my future.

One of the biggest questions that I reflected on has been, “What do I want to do after I graduate?” I am finally entering my “senior” year of college, yet I have no idea if engineering is something I want to pursue. Before coming to college, I had no idea what engineering was. All I knew is that they were people who liked to build things to make life easier. The only reason I went into engineering was because I had teachers tell me that I was doing well in my math and science classes. Another reason was because of how difficult this major was perceived to be. I was the teen that believed I was so ready for college, and that high school was a breeze. I wanted a challenge, and engineering definitely delivered that. Somehow, I have survived these past three years, and with that I forced myself to “enjoy” engineering. I don’t think I have ever hyped up engineering, rather I enjoyed talking about the work I have done with students. That work has been focused on incoming first-year students, and the students who identify as BIPOC. My favorite part about working with those students has been seeing them grow to be leaders on campus, whether it’s within their majors or with organizations.  These past couple of years I have seen that my involvement in Student Affairs has given me the opportunity to look into Higher Education as a possible career choice.

Why continue engineering if there’s a possibility of not going into that field? Honestly, I am too deep into the program to change my major, but I have also never thought about what other fields would interest me. I have acknowledged that engineering has also given me a lot of skills that can be applied elsewhere. There’s a small portion of engineers that have decided to go through different routes whether it be law, medicine, business, or education. One’s major and passions may not always coincide, although there are people who have been able to find that. My passion is to serve others, and while I know that there are ways that I can do that with engineering it’s not something I can see myself doing. I want to say that it’s okay if your major and passion don’t coincide. It’s not the end of the world, I promise you.

This is an idea of how my reflections go, obviously they go way more in depth and are more complicated than this. Reflection has given me the opportunity to ask myself the hard and scary questions. It has also allowed me to reflect on the kind of person I was, the person I am, and the person I want to be.

Colorism by Willet Debrah

I met my best friend, Marglucy Omwega, in the 4th grade. We both arrived in America around the same time. She came from Kanya. I came from Ghana.  The only thing we had in common was the darkness of our skin. Throughout our school years, people would often confuse our names or would ask if we were sisters. From an early age, we recognized how differently people treated us, including our peers.  People would tell us that “we were too pretty to be dark-skinned,” as if we couldn’t be dark and beautiful. Society made it clear that there was something more appealing to lighter skin and boys in school made sure that we were aware of their preferences. In elementary school and middle school we both faced bullying. It wasn’t until high school that we embraced our beauty and recognized that we are God’s masterpiece. Beautifully and wonderfully made in his image. 

In our young adult lives, we have both discovered different ways to bring awareness to Colorism and how it has impacted our lives. 

For me, it has been understanding what it truly means to love my blackness. 

Colorism is an endless battle dark skinned people fight in a society that glorifies light skin. Colorism is a huge problem especially for dark skinned women. Society has made it hard for women to exist and even harder for dark skinned women. From my own experience as a dark skinned woman,  I am constantly trying not to be seen as the angry Black woman, trying to earn people’s approval and show that I am just as qualified as them in whatever I do. I am not allowed to make mistakes, because I am already seen as incapable. I not only need to earn my worth, but also my existence. Imagine being a woman in society, now imagine being a dark skinned woman in society. My only message to dark skin women and girls is this: Love your skin, it carries the story of your ancestors. Be proud of its history. Be proud of your resilience. Marilyn Monroe once said: “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s better to be Absolutely Ridiculous than Absolutely Boring.” Learn to love the color of your skin. Love the way it glows in the sun. I hope reading this blog post helps someone discover their beauty and I hope it helps someone learn a little more about colorism and is aware of its damaging effects.  I am grateful that I did not experience colorism alone. I am grateful that I had Marglucy, my sister, and my friend.

Let the World Come to You by Kiera Pratt

As I was speaking with my CAPS alumni mentor this past week, he shared a story and the essence of this story is to be content with letting the world come to you, which is exactly the point my mentor was trying to get across as I expressed the somewhat indecisiveness I have towards my career plan. He goes on to share a story about a woman who was riding on the train and received a call from her boss asking her to contact someone.  Overwhelmed with yet another task to complete, she happened to look up from her phone, gaze down the aisle of the train car, and to her dismay see the person she was asked to contact. A perfect example of letting the world come to you.  

 

Oftentimes as college students I think we are taught to be proactive, network, and seek out great resume building experiences, but I also think it is so incredibly important to let opportunities come to you.  While I believe that taking those actionary measures yourself is crucial, I am learning that being patient can also lead me to paths I may not have considered.  Being a young professional is no easy task and navigating the workforce can be difficult when some of us are still grappling with what we envision our future career to look like.  

 

At the ripe age of 18, we are asked to determine a major that consequently may determine our future career and the rest of our lives. While college is not the path that all high school graduates take, there is still an expectation that future plans be decided on.  Pressure to choose a discipline that will be fruitful and rewarding, the fear of losing interest, and the expectations to succeed at a high level have real effects on a young person. And yes, I understand that students have an opportunity to change their majors if they do not see themselves working in that field in the future.  Truthfully, I was one of those students.  The uncertainty that looms entering college can still exist getting ready to leave college. 

 

Fast forward two years later after one major change and as I enter my senior year of college, the decisions I have to make as a soon-to-be graduate are quite similar to the ones I had to make when I was navigating the college space.  The question is now – what do you really want to do with your life? I contemplate this question quite often and I get frustrated because the questions do not end there.  The internal dialogue I have with myself comes with bouts of uncertainty, periods of hope, and sometimes feelings of content.  However, I face the same challenge I did entering the workforce as I did entering college which is defining what I want to do.  

 

At the nucleus of the CAPS fellow program and the Institute of Leadership and Service is the idea of defining one’s purpose and calling.  I think this program has been such a formative experience for me in that I have been able to define partially what I want to do in life.  While those plans are still partially unexplored on top of being uncertain, I gained a knowledge of an industry that I otherwise would not have had the opportunity to and for that I am grateful.  I realized that it is okay to not be consumed with what my next step will be and to not constantly search for what I think I need.  Maybe what I actually need is to just let the world come to me and take a moment to look up and see if what I need is actually a train car away.  

 

We think we know what we want, but the world is actually showing us what we need.  At a young age, our future is already being played out in front of us and it is up to us to decide what road we want to take, but I think it is important to look up and look around to see what it is we actually need to move forward.

Your Environment by Akira Kennedy

There are a lot of things that have a subconscious or conscious impact on you. Waking up to it being a gloomy day versus a sunny day affects you. The way someone says something to you, or your outfit of the day. Over the course of these past few months I have had the time to acknowledge these subtle changes in my day, and how they can drastically change my mood. I started only picking out clothes that I wanted to wear, so that I can have that extra ounce of confidence. I noticed the difference in mood when I did not get fresh air and when I did. The difference of one less hour of sleep. Right now I am noticing how my bedroom does not fit my current needs and plays a big part in the lack of motivation I have been feeling since quarantine started. It took me a while to figure that out though, but I realized that the “vibe” at school is way different from the one at home. I feel relaxed in both, I know people in both. But school is made for school and home is not school (duh). I no longer had the same amount of independence,

I had to take my family back into account (I always think about them of course, but I did not have to physically deal with them and the emotions they have too), and usually when I am home, it’s during breaks so I typically do not have to do anything. Making the mental switch to starting working on school and then eventually an internship all while at home was so foreign to me, and a really huge mental block I had to get around. We are always told to separate work and home, but that has been impossible these past few months and so anything to change your environment and make your days home a little bit better is something to do. I say all of this to also mention that your work environment is just as important. I have been working with Heartland’s Youth and Family Services team for 2 months now, and because of the relationships and remote environment they had created- I felt and still feel so good working with them. They inspire me to put my best foot forward, and they encourage me to share my ideas. Having an ideal work environment is so important. Just like the college you choose. You are going to spend a lot of your time at this place with these people, so it is important that you feel good while there. I am glad to say that I have found that at both Valpo and in Heartland. Though both are temporary stops, I feel more confident and willing to find other places where I feel the same.

Tip of the Iceberg by Christy Craig

I have just finished up week 6 of my fellowship at The Village at Rockville (TVAR) with 2 weeks left to go. It’s rather surreal. Yesterday feels like my first day, yet I’ve learned so much since then. Admittedly, the first several weeks were quite difficult. I tried to be optimistic, but a huge part of me felt like a failure. I struggled to communicate effectively with my supervisor and thus I didn’t know what was required of me, let alone when or how I should go about doing it. That being said, I knew deep down that this experience was stretching me in the best way. 

 

A big part of this discomfort, I think, was transitioning from an educational setting to a work setting. As someone who has always felt comfortable in school, adjusting to work life was uncomfortable to say the least. As an illustration, in school, you’re assigned with projects with clear instructions and deadlines. You go to class for a set period of time then have free time to study, go to extracurriculars, or work a part-time job. The 9-5 life, on the other hand, is entirely different. For starters, there’s the 8 hour block staring at a computer screen with the occasional lunch and 10-minute break. Then there’s meeting your coworkers, figuring out who can act as a mentor when you have a question (I always have a lot), and learning how to ask the right questions. To succeed, I had to become much better at a variety of things I did not previously have to do (e.g. constantly following up, strategizing how to improve communication, taking intentional breaks, guiding a conversation in the right direction). While this led to several uncomfortable “growth” weeks, I am finally starting to feel more comfortable in my shoes. Further, I have realized this experience is only the tip of the iceberg; the beginning of figuring out what I want my life to look like after I finish graduate school. 

 

In addition to helping me improve my soft skills and adapt to work culture, this fellowship has helped me realize some new interests. You see, going into this summer, I was dead set on working at The Village at Orchard (or TVOR as they call it). I wanted to be on the clinical side, helping to set up a clinic at that location. With the onset of COVID-19, however, my plans changed. Suddenly, TVOR was unable to take me on remotely, and I was moved to TVAR. Although I was hesitant at first (the role seemed to business-y to me), I have since surprised myself by thoroughly enjoying the big picture work I get to do. For example, I have gotten to work on TVAR’s master plan (aka what they want their organization to look like in the next 5-10 years) and their strategic plan (smaller goals that help drive the master plan). This work has helped me understand the complexity, time, and effort that goes into an organization’s future and the challenging decisions that must be made. It’s also given me the opportunity to work with a bunch of the senior leadership team (directors of marketing, nursing, dining, sales, and philanthropy, just to name a few). As a result of these experiences, I’ve started considering the ways in which business shapes health care (and vice versa), and I’ve been hoping that some of my health policy courses will touch on this. Anyway, this is just a little bit about what I have been up to this summer, and I hope you enjoyed reading about it. Overall, this experience has been both challenging and unexpected, but also extremely rewarding and enlightening!

Wondering and Deciding by Ashley Winiewicz

What do you think it would have been like, you know all of us sitting in the office working together this summer? A question the interns often find ourselves asking one another during our online meetings. We wonder if we would be more efficient working at desk next to each other or if our side chats would turn into endless hours of conversation. As questions pile up about how the internship would have been it’s evident these thoughts will have to continue to wander in our minds as we continue working from home under the same mission, values, and goals of our company. Despite the numerous what-if questions regarding how the internship, recent conversations with my CAPS mentors have left me pondering on my next step after graduation.

The next big what-if consists of making the decision for life post-undergrad and what will be the right decision. Though, what I have learned after talking to my mentors is that there are no right or wrong decisions I can make. The lesson is short and sweet but spoke volumes. There is no right or wrong decision any of us can make when it comes to our next step because we don’t have the ability to know whether the options we are deciding between are good or bad in that moment. We don’t have the power to know at the moment the outcome of our decisions, instead, years from now when you look back on the decisions made then you will be able to see if that was the right decision. Maybe it was not the right decision in the end but at the time it was and you only know that by unlearning the concept of right and wrong when it comes to deciding on two options in your life. One should decide on what they feel called to do in that current moment, instead of doing what feels most right, choosing an option that is honest and true to yourself will fulfill yourself at that moment. With that, I’m learning that we label our decisions good or bad based on our perspective of the situation after we have decided. I can’t decide on making plans post grad implying one of the options will be the wrong choice or that one is right. At the moment both decisions could be great but I should be deciding on what feels true to myself in order to better serve those around me.

It may seem like a minute discovery for some, that you don’t have the power in knowing whether you are making the right decision but when I finally understood this concept it was pretty monumental.

Hope you’re staying happy & healthy,

Ashley

Dissolving the American Dream by Thespina Dabagia

            My CAPS fellowship has led me to working as an intern for the Interfaith Community for Detained Immigrants which is a non-profit, faith-based organization out of Chicago, Illinois. We are comprised of staff and hundreds of volunteers who respond to the suffering of people, families, and communities affected by the immigration system in this country. ICDI runs five programs that respond to the various needs of people in and after detention; jail visitation ministry, court watch, deportation accompaniment, Chicago Immigrant Transit Assistance/Hotline, and the Unaccompanied Children’s Interfaith Ministry. Though my internship with ICDI may be non-traditional because of COVID-19, it has been nothing short of extraordinary. I have spent time reading immigration court reports and learning about non-profit financial management in times like these. I have also spent time researching nationwide community contacts that we can provide as resources when we welcome formerly detained people at the bus station. The project I am most excited about starting is a volunteer reading group I am leading along with the supervisor of the jail visitation ministry. The goal of this reading group is to share in conversation around collective readings to build and develop solidarity with immigrants detained in ICE facilities. I think it will be extremely interesting and engaging while also allowing me to get a closer understanding of our volunteer population.

            Immersing myself (technologically) in the immigration justice work that we do at ICDI has opened my eyes to the realities of our country’s failing immigration system and how the “American Dream” we so proudly parade for the world to see is not applicable to everyone. All through college I have been merely reading about ICE’s cruelty and the Trump administration’s hateful rhetoric towards immigrants but truly working with the individuals and communities impacted by this broken system is beyond disheartening. What we need not forget is that ICE’s purpose is cruelty. ICE is trying to normalize separating families in detention centers with limited hygiene products during a pandemic by referring to them as “Family Residential Centers”. We’re living in a country where children, as young as four years old, are forced to represent themselves Pro Se in court. ICE has continued deportation flights, packed with people suffering from COVID-19 who contracted the illness in our overpopulated detention centers. Not only is our government refusing to implement proper nationwide pandemic prevention, we are now sending the people that we have made sick back to countries trying to contain their own outbreaks. Now, ICE is threatening international students with the ultimatum of attending university classes in-person and get sick or get deported. There is no excuse for ICE’s cruelty, there are absolutely viable alternatives to detaining people inhumanely. According to a report by the National Immigration Forum, ICE spends an average of $200 per person each day in immigration detention while alternative programs like community supervision or electronic monitoring can cost as low as $4.50 per day. When the alternatives are proven to be more cost effective, it is clear that the purpose of ICE’s detention centers are to inhumanely punish migrants.

            Asides from the existence of cost-effective alternatives, I think our obsession with punishing migrants is just horrific. How many times have you heard a parent say they would die for their children? How many movies have we seen where parents do anything to keep their families safe? For migrant families, these are not hypotheticals. These are the realities in which they live. Not only do we detain them in disgusting jails where they are forced to pay commissary for basic things like soap or toothpaste, but in immigration court we make them relive the traumatic experiences they are seeking asylum from. When they don’t provide enough detail (most likely because they are afraid of retribution from the kind of situations they are escaping), our immigration courts cite lack of evidence and their pursuit for a better life is denied. With ICE running our immigration system like the gestapo, there is no chance for the American Dream. Of course, the easy counter to my argument is to say “they just need to come here legally!”. To which I would reply; how many times have you experienced civil war in your home country? How many times have you seen your family members massacred in front of you? How many times have you genuinely feared for your family’s life to the point where you feel that giving up your home country and all your belongings is necessary in order to survive? And again, how many times have you heard a parent say they would do anything for their child/ren? Essentially the United States has three modes of obtaining lawful permanent residency. The first is that a qualified family member in the United States can petition to bring a qualified foreign-born family member to the country. However, that sponsor must live above the poverty line and be able to financially support the family member they are bringing to the states. So, don’t have a family member in the U.S.? Or have a family member in the U.S. but they are one of the 38.1 million Americans in poverty? No American Dream for you. The second way is to be granted asylum from political persecution or fear of persecution based on things like race or religion. As I previously explained, it is extremely difficult to be granted asylum as immigration courts require a high evidentiary burden. So, unless you are willing to recount the specific details of your trauma, complete with physical evidence and no fear of retaliation, no American Dream for you. The last means of lawful immigration is when U.S. employers sponsor someone to come work and live in the U.S. The qualifications for sponsorship are extremely high and can include having an advanced degree, exceptional artistic talent, and/or specialized work experience in science and business. This means that America doesn’t value you unless you can provide us with substantial evidence that you have something we want. This means that the idea of the American Dream where America is a place that you can achieve anything you want if you just work hard, really only considers you viable for the American Dream if you have already established yourself somewhere else. In other words, the hard work should be done before you come here. This idea of being extremely exceptional in order to be deserving of citizenship is also asinine as undocumented workers are the literal backbone of the agricultural, meatpacking, landscaping, domestic services, and construction industries of our country. If the United States is going to continue to proudly tout the American Dream while making it nearly impossible to qualify for legal citizenship for the people who actually need it, then we are doing something gravely wrong. Immigrants are what makes this country great, not a phrase that has come to be ironic in its meaning.

A Changed Fourth of July by Justin McClain

As I write this blog post, my parents are having a conversation about what my family is going to grill on Saturday to celebrate our nation’s independence, my sister is outside working on her tan so she can get the perfect Instagram picture, and I have a countdown ticking away on my phone to when Hamilton drops on Disney+. My life probably mirrors many other lives across the United States today; people are changing their Fourth of July plans to fit the restraints of the pandemic and wrapping up their work for the three-day weekend, but there is one major difference. I cannot stop thinking about the millions of people in camps across the world who are anxiously awaiting approval to seek refuge in a country like the United States.

 

I am not trying to get political, but I am going to state a few facts that I have learned so far during my time with Heartland Alliance.

 

First, a refugee is anyone who is forced to flee their home country due to persecution of their identity (political beliefs, religion, sexual orientation, etc.) or danger from war. There is also a growing number of people being forced from their home country due to famine, natural disasters, or flooding caused by climate change, but the United States does not recognize climate change as a valid reason for seeking refuge. In any case, no one wants to leave their home, family, friends, life, language, culture, and memories behind, but the only other choice a refugee has is death.

 

Second, the number of refugees accepted by the United States has drastically diminished since the current presidential administration took office. In FY 2016, the United States accepted roughly 110,000 refugees. In FY 2020, there was a hard cap placed at 18,000. To put this into perspective, 18,000 refugees is less than 0.5% of the total refugees resettled in a different country each year. This means more than 99.5% of refugees (not people waiting in the camps, but 99.5% of people actually granted refugee status) are sent to a country other than the United States.

 

Lastly, the refugee application and approval process is extremely complex. When the process was explained to me, a native English speaker nearing the end of his college education, I was getting lost in all the agencies involved, steps that have to be taken, terminology associated with the topic, and could not even begin to imagine how hard it would be for someone who does not speak English or is not familiar with the United States’ government. Not only is the process complicated, it is also very time-consuming. On average, a refugee waits 17 years to be accepted into the United States. 17 years. Let that sink in. You could even say that a mother simply seeking safety, food, and shelter for her newborn child faces harsher vetting than the President of the United States.

 

Those facts, along with stories some of the refugees have shared, have shown me a side of our country and the world that I had not previously known.

 

While you sing or listen to the words “the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,” please take a moment to truly listen to those words and think about what they mean for our country. The rockets and bombs gave us hope almost 250 years ago, but rockets and bombs are currently doing the very opposite on the other side of the world. They are destroying villages and ripping families apart. Still, the United States appears to forget our history and origin. The Revolutionary War ended with a victory for the colonies and gave birth to a country that was welcoming to most people (it would be unfair of me to say ‘all people’ and ignore the racism and sexism that was, and still is, present in our country) who wanted to escape oppression and authoritarian rule. What happened to our country that was founded by immigrants – dare I say, refugees – looking for safety and a new start? What is different about the persecution, oppression, war, and utter disregard for human dignity the people in refugee camps faced in their home country? Oh, that’s right. Our country has the privilege to have that be a part of our past. We can forget. The refugees cannot.

 

Happy Fourth of July.