‘I don’t know.’: the response that never feels good enough. Whether it is an answer to what you want, why you started, or what you plan for the future, few leave a conversation satisfied when you say ‘I don’t know’. But I, personally, don’t know a lot of things. I am a very indecisive person; I like to do a lot of things, and I don’t mind doing a lot of things, so, while some people might call me a people pleaser, I would say I’m just really adaptable. I want what others want because I would be content with either.

Being so flexible is great a lot of the time; I’m reliable, understanding, good at sharing, good at listening, good at conflict resolution, and the list goes on. But that also means, I have a hard time setting boundaries, and don’t always receive the same grace I give others. While it can frustrate me in the moment, it’s not something I like to focus on and often just brush off.

But there was one day where this flexibility made me feel like Elastigirl, being pulled in all different directions, and I felt as if everything was out of control. I had just finished putting out a fire with one set of kids, when I see Willow and Zack (names have been changed to protect privacy) start shoving each other, so I rush over and say, “Uh-uh-uh, keep your hands to yourself; we do not solve our problems with violence” to which Willow responded with “Then make him to stop.” Willow did not like that Zack knew all the lyrics to the song we were playing and was singing it.

As I explained to Willow that Zack had every right to sing and that sharing a classroom with other students meant sometimes we had to hear and do things we find boring or don’t necessarily want to do, she interrupted to tell me how mean and horrible of a teacher I was, which I took. I let her finish and then said, “Okay, well just because you think that does not mean you can shove Zack. So it’s either you go color or play but no more shoving.” She rolled her eyes and went to hug me and I cringed inside because one of my biggest pet peeves (which I did not know I had until this summer) is getting a hug after an argument or disagreement where there was clearly no resolution. I stopped her and said, “No, you don’t get to hug me after telling me how horrible of a person I am without apologizing. I am not mad at you and I respect that you feel that way about me but I do not want a hug, because you hurt my feelings.”

Willow’s face went blank. She was so confused and awkwardly walked back to her table. We went the rest of the day like nothing happened and I wished the kids a good day and reminded everyone to be safe like I did every day.

But, as I took a deep breath as the last child left, it really hit me. I said ‘No’ to a hug. In general, I feel bad rejecting any physical touch because I recognize we need touch and it is important for a lot of people to receive that from others. Because of that, there were so many days I went home upset after I allowed a hug from my coworkers and students after getting an earful from them that was negative. It felt like a slap in the face.

A few weeks prior, as I was giving a friend the rundown of my day and mentioned feelings this way my friend said, “Why do they get to feel good after making you feel bad?” Roasted, I truly was. Because any behavior you allow, you endorse.

• by Noemi Vela, By the Hand

As a result of my time ending at Jacob’s Ladder, I have been given a chance to shift my focus from getting the most out of my experience to reflecting on everything that I’ve learned and what it means. Throughout my summer at Jacob’s Ladder, I had the pleasure of learning many lessons, though the ones that stick out the most to me are the ability to walk into new experiences with an open mind and heart and not to put too much emphasis on my expectations. 

I believe that it’s completely normal to have expectations and a mental checklist of things that we want to accomplish when entering a new environment or experience. It’s a way to hold ourselves accountable and a way to maximize what we’re learning. Even though having expectations is essentially inevitable, I have come to realize that expectations can limit us and put us in a box. If we’re constantly thinking about an imagined quota or very specific experience, it can result in being very disappointed and sad that it didn’t work out the way we planned. When in reality, the expectation that we didn’t experience wasn’t meant for us, and the one that we were able to experience, can lead to us learning more about ourselves and others. 

It can be unrealistic and daunting to say “Don’t have expectations”. We all have goals and ambitions (personally, professionally, academically), so it can feel weird to say “I’m going to walk into the experience with no expectations.” However, my time at Jacob’s Ladder taught me that schedules and plans can change. It’s completely normal. As a result of schedules and plans changing, it’s vital that we are flexible and aren’t attached to our perceived realities. If we can let go of the imagined reality where all of our expectations are met, it can be freeing and lead us to learn things that we wouldn’t have learned otherwise. I highly doubt that I will completely stop walking into new situations with zero expectations. However. I will be flexible with my expectations and open to them changing. 

Since I have learned that my expectations do not equal my reality and that is okay, I have felt much more accepting and comfortable with what happened compared to what I thought would happen. I believe that this mindset switch is very helpful as I am getting closer and closer to my career since the workplace can be unexpected and is prone to going through changes. With an open mind and heart, it helps the always-changing and unpredictable conditions of the workplace feel a bit more manageable and that what is meant to be, will be. 

• Natalie Ensor, Jacob’s Ladder Pediatric Rehab

A lot of people think that I am a shy person. But really, I am just an anxious person, and that results in me thinking and rethinking through any possible implications and consequences of any actions or words before doing or saying them. And when I do not pre-think through them, I will post-think through them afterwards. Or both, which can really slow an interaction. Shockingly enough, that kind of hesitation comes across as shy.

As I have gotten older and worked on it, this pattern of thinking and hesitation have been steadily decreasing. And this summer specifically, I have gotten to practice a new mentality surrounding social interaction that has really helped.

It started at the beginning of the summer. On maybe my second day, one of my supervisors took me to a meeting with her where she was planning an awareness event with a few other representatives of youth organizations over coffee. While I was only there to shadow, walking into a meeting like that on only my first week, I felt woefully underqualified to be there. Talk about having to think through a social interaction. I was introduced to all of the people there, who were all very nice, and they began the meeting. As they planned, I heard a bit about how each of them came into their fields, and I thought about what an odd set of circumstances that these people would wind up at the table together. An odd set of circumstances, I realized, just like the set of circumstances that brought me to the table. I started thinking, what would be so different about me that my circumstances were any less valid when I too, had the same goals? Not much. I was reminded of a phrase that I had started telling myself last semester: I belong in every room that I am in. But now, I actually had to put it into practice.

Little did I know just how many opportunities I would have to put this thought process into practice this summer. My supervisors have brought me to tag along with them to nearly all of their meetings this summer, just so I can get a feel of how Girls on the Run operates. So, in addition to learning a lot about the organization that I am working for, I have met many people and had several intensely social interactions. Each time, reminding myself of my new mantra, it gets easier to walk in thinking about why I am there rather than how I got there. And now, at the end of the summer, I have realized just how much weight this takes off of an interaction. 

At the most recent meeting I went to, my supervisor took me to a luncheon packed full of people, many of whom were invited because they head up nonprofits. Walking in, though I felt significantly better than I did at the first meeting, I was still a bit uncomfortable, because confidence is a skill, not an epiphany. And this big, formal room of leaders felt like the confidence Olympics. So, I was following around my supervisor, not saying much, until we walked up to two people who were talking, and my supervisor got into a conversation with one of them, leaving me to talk to the other person. At first, the conversation was a bit strained, I was extremely conscious of being at least a decade younger than everyone else in the room, and I could not even focus the conversation on the purpose of the luncheon… because I was completely unaware of it. I could not stop thinking about the formality, and the fact that everyone was shaking hands in dresses and button-ups. But then, after my conversation partner and I had awkwardly interrupted each other by accident a few times in attempts to initiate a conversation, I glanced down and noticed that he was wearing flip-flops. For whatever reason, this immediately snapped me out of my hesitation. We both belong in this room, no matter the formality. I physically felt my shoulders relax. I apologized for interrupting to bring attention back to the conversation and I started talking and talking before my mind even gave my lips permission. Apparently, the person I was talking to was a professor, and if I enjoy talking about one thing, it is definitely school. As it turns out, so did he. Then, when the lunch part started, Professor Flip-Flops asked me if he could sit with us, and settled on my answer before he even asked my supervisor. He told her he was joining because I was “fun”. 

I was floored. Never before have I been one to bring new people into a social group, and certainly never before has my first impression on someone been that I am a “fun” person… usually not even my third impression. This made me realize that the practice that I have been doing this summer has really helped: I went from being intimidated by a small coffee-get-together to hyping myself up during a large luncheon. This skill is still, obviously, a work-in-progress. One does not go from being nervous in a one-on-one social interaction to being comfortable in any social interaction in one summer. But I am a little better at it than before, and I have found that my new reminder is very helpful for me. 

• By Katherine Naylor, Girls on the Run