‘I don’t know.’: the response that never feels good enough. Whether it is an answer to what you want, why you started, or what you plan for the future, few leave a conversation satisfied when you say ‘I don’t know’. But I, personally, don’t know a lot of things. I am a very indecisive person; I like to do a lot of things, and I don’t mind doing a lot of things, so, while some people might call me a people pleaser, I would say I’m just really adaptable. I want what others want because I would be content with either.
Being so flexible is great a lot of the time; I’m reliable, understanding, good at sharing, good at listening, good at conflict resolution, and the list goes on. But that also means, I have a hard time setting boundaries, and don’t always receive the same grace I give others. While it can frustrate me in the moment, it’s not something I like to focus on and often just brush off.
But there was one day where this flexibility made me feel like Elastigirl, being pulled in all different directions, and I felt as if everything was out of control. I had just finished putting out a fire with one set of kids, when I see Willow and Zack (names have been changed to protect privacy) start shoving each other, so I rush over and say, “Uh-uh-uh, keep your hands to yourself; we do not solve our problems with violence” to which Willow responded with “Then make him to stop.” Willow did not like that Zack knew all the lyrics to the song we were playing and was singing it.
As I explained to Willow that Zack had every right to sing and that sharing a classroom with other students meant sometimes we had to hear and do things we find boring or don’t necessarily want to do, she interrupted to tell me how mean and horrible of a teacher I was, which I took. I let her finish and then said, “Okay, well just because you think that does not mean you can shove Zack. So it’s either you go color or play but no more shoving.” She rolled her eyes and went to hug me and I cringed inside because one of my biggest pet peeves (which I did not know I had until this summer) is getting a hug after an argument or disagreement where there was clearly no resolution. I stopped her and said, “No, you don’t get to hug me after telling me how horrible of a person I am without apologizing. I am not mad at you and I respect that you feel that way about me but I do not want a hug, because you hurt my feelings.”
Willow’s face went blank. She was so confused and awkwardly walked back to her table. We went the rest of the day like nothing happened and I wished the kids a good day and reminded everyone to be safe like I did every day.
But, as I took a deep breath as the last child left, it really hit me. I said ‘No’ to a hug. In general, I feel bad rejecting any physical touch because I recognize we need touch and it is important for a lot of people to receive that from others. Because of that, there were so many days I went home upset after I allowed a hug from my coworkers and students after getting an earful from them that was negative. It felt like a slap in the face.
A few weeks prior, as I was giving a friend the rundown of my day and mentioned feelings this way my friend said, “Why do they get to feel good after making you feel bad?” Roasted, I truly was. Because any behavior you allow, you endorse.
- by Noemi Vela, By the Hand