Messed Up

I feel messed up, just a combination of many feelings that I’m slowly trying to figure out.

In less than one month, I will be returning to the United States. How do I feel about this? Sad, scared, worried, relieved, happy, excited…yeah, all that in about 10 seconds.

I just don’t get it. Mexico has been one difficult pillow to swallow at times. I’ve never been through more of a scary financial situation than while being here (penniless and abroad? not fun!) along with painful language barriers, difficult classes and people, sickness, and oh yeah, forget to mention my laptop broke down 3 times down here.

However, for whatever crazy reason, I love Mexico and wouldn’t take anything back. I feel such a tie to this culture that has made me question my cultural identity. Although the US is my home country and I love it, Mexico just fits me better.

This culture has given me new life and a fresh perspective towards it. The culture here is so rich and vibrant and the land is beautiful although there are negative aspects to it (hello coruption!). However, there is nothing like Latin American culture-it just forces you to feel something. I feel sexier in Mexico because I feel the confidence to just be myself and forget what people say. Oh yeah, and people always tell you here “poco a poco, tranquilo“…little by little, take it easy. That little phrase can do wonders to your soul.

However, I haven’t seen my family since August. We call on skype (without the webcam) but they aren’t able to visit me and I never expected to stay here another semester (and didn’t plan on not going home for Christmas). I miss my mom so much and want her hugs and want to get ice cream with my dad.

I just don’t know. It’s messed up feeling this way. In love with one culture and wishing to return to it but on the other hand, feeling so empty because you want your family and friends and want to be in YOUR familiar territory.

(Sigh) I don’t know what to do…it’s just messed up.