This is my last catch-up post, I promise. I wrote this on the morning of the day I left in order to get my thoughts out, and get ready to go. Departure/arrival day is probably a very different experience for different people, but for me, it wasn’t easy at all. I was a wreck all morning and convinced that I’d have a breakdown in the airport, but somehow, something changed somewhere around the metal detectors. At that point, I realized that getting upset was not going to do any good. Instead, I just had to tell myself to keep calm and carry on. And that’s why I’ve now been in Germany for a week and haven’t written about it yet. I’m still in that mindset as I try to get my bearings, but I’m getting there, and I plan to post about my first week by Sunday. But last week, this was what was running through my mind:

Surprisingly, I was actually pretty at peace with this whole thing until last night. I had expected the panic to set in much earlier, but in fact, in the weeks leading up to today, I managed to distract myself from fear with my very long to-do lists. Now that the lists are finished, I have too much time to think, but I have to find the peace again. That’s the only good way to do this.

When it comes to international travel, there’s an easy way and a hard way. I’ve experienced each once. The first time I went to Germany, I wasn’t technically alone, but it felt that way because I was traveling with 40 other students that I had never met before. The trip lasted about a month, and at seventeen, that was by far the longest I had ever been away from home. Back then, I had no idea what to expect, not only from the program itself, but also how my body and mind would react to travel. That particular flight on that particular day caused a perfect storm of factors that need up giving me the worst case of jet lag. First of all, I woke up that day almost too sick to get out of bed, and in addition to/because of that, I was not in the right mindset to do the hardest thing I had ever had to do. After I arrived, I unfortunately can barely remember the first week because I still felt physically and mentally awful. After spending a long time trying to figure out what went wrong that first week, I finally attributed it to about 70% jet lag, 20% heat exhaustion (Someone really should have told me there was no A/C in Germany) and 10% culture shock.
Luckily, This time I won’t have to deal with two of those three factors this time. In contrast to the -20 temperatures at home, Germany is currently a pleasant 55 degrees. As for the culture shock, I might sill have a little at some point, but I’m so thankful that this isn’t my first time to the metaphorical rodeo. I know a little bit of what to expect, and I know that I have felt at home in Germany before, so I can again. As for the jet lag, I’ve learned that that just comes down to luck. The first time I went to Germany, I was so out of whack that I didn’t sleep for 4 days. However, the second time I went to Germany, I was completely fine within a day. I think most of it is luck, but some of it has to do with your mindset going in. On the second trip, I was more confident. That time, I was flying completely alone, but I just didn’t panic because I knew that wouldn’t get me anywhere. When the mind is in a good place, it’s easier for the body to be too.
So this time around, I hope that I can use what experience has taught me. In fact, I wonder if it’s somehow possible to just skip the whole beginning part where I get upset and panicked. Can I just skip to the part where I start to feel comfortable and never want to go home? Because I know that part will come, and I don’t want to waste a single day feeling upset when I only get so many to begin with. What if I just don’t worry? Don’t cry? Don’t take it all so seriously? As of now, that’s my plan, to just let it all happen as it’s supposed to. We’ll see how that plan holds up when I get to the airport.
Like every soon-to-be study abroader, I’m scared and excited at the same time. Everyone says this will be the time of my life, and while I generally agree, I also think that adds a lot of pressure for me to make it that good. This experience is a gift, a blessing. But it’s hard. It’s once again the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Over the whole winter break, I’ve thought about it non-stop. In fact, my favorite little part of each day was the four seconds after I woke up each morning, and in my half-deeming state, didn’t remember yet that this challenge was approaching so soon. And then every morning, it hit me all over again. Finally, this morning, It’s time. Time to put one foot in front of the other and step into this blessing, this adventure, reminding myself that the things we fear most are the things most worth having.