Author: Emily Nelson

Location: Hirakata, Osaka, Japan

Last week, I was on Spring Break and had many opportunities to travel. In particular, I visited my aunt in Yokohama, a port town and Japan’s second largest city. Every time I’ve returned to Japan, I’ve always ridden the ferris wheel by the water and toured near the seaside. That day, we took a cruise called the Sea Bass, the sun glittering on the water. While traversing the sliver of ocean, I talked with my aunt. We’re able to converse well, as she takes weekly English classes. Curious, I decided to ask her if she uses English a lot at her job, to which she responded in the negative. I then inquired as to why she learns it at all, and she responded, “Oh, your existence.” This answer was completely unexpected to me; I was and still am so touched.

I suppose that I always assumed there was a better reason that my aunt has been learning English for the last 20 years. It’s common knowledge that learning another language is very difficult, especially when learned later in life. But the fact that my mom’s sister decided to take it up just for me is mind-blowing. I can’t imagine all the countless hours of dedication she put forward for my sake.

There is often speculation as to what love is, and I believe that real love requires action. Granted, it should be attributed to the giver’s ability and the situation, but anyhow, the word “love” is so ambiguous, but in this case, it carries so much personal value to me. I cannot think of anything else but that word to describe this situation. Perhaps that is what makes love more tangible-sacrifice. It begins with a feeling, but it is much more. Perhaps love’s presence is rendered visible by service, by sacrifice.

Of course, this is only one speculation of how love works. One could write endlessly about the topic, but I have comfort in knowing that I truly learned a small piece of it this day. One of my favorite phrases regarding love is, “We accept the love we think we deserve” (Stephen Chbosky). I think of this statement frequently, as it says so much in so little space. It suggests that the love we choose to reciprocate is a direct reflection of how we think of ourselves. Our perceived self-value is directly transposed into what we accept from the outside. I think this is why love can teach us so much about ourselves. When love is personified in action, it seems to multiply, creating something so much more valuable. I don’t think I can really describe what this valuable thing is, but I’m okay with not completely understanding.

I take comfort in knowing that my aunt has done so much for me, even being thousands of miles away for most of my life. She was the best aunt she could be, given the circumstances and my needs. And what do I do now? I welcome it with open arms and an open heart. And I’ll keep learning for her, too.

Author: Emily Nelson

Location: Hirakata, Osaka, Japan

*Trigger warning: Eating disorder references*

Today, I visited my Japanese grandmother for the first time in about two years. My aunt and I met her at her retirement community, and we commenced to intermittently chatter about life, my study abroad experience, etc. She offered to reimburse me for the (bullet) train ride to the area, which I attempted to refuse. Then, the conversation took an all-too-familiar turn, one focusing on my appearance. My grandmother asked if I had money for new clothes, which I answered in the affirmative. This was exciting, because I’ve been looking forward to revamping my style.

However, she then proceeded to speak to my aunt in Japanese, as if I was not present, saying that I was so big that I must be a large in every store. This is not the first time she has said such things-last time she called me fat, and I thought it was because she thought I didn’t understand. Yet the more Japanese I comprehend, the more I think that she simply doesn’t care or understand the magnitude of such language.

This time, however, the shame didn’t end there. My grandmother then proceeded to use the blood pressure reader on me-three times on the same arm. All of the readings came up high-the peak systolic being 152. This immediately caused her to suspect that I have hypertension, which I refuted. (I’m normally around 120/80 or 110/70). I had to have my aunt tell her that consuming caffeine and food can raise the reading significantly.

I like being a proactive individual. I prefer to tackle most issues directly rather than letting them fester. However, I’ve become so acutely aware of my physical deficiencies that body positivity continues to be a challenge. I have a larger frame than most women here, being around 150 pounds and 5 feet 8 inches. I definitely could have a healthier diet(carbs are delicious nom nom) and I still sometimes struggle to have a healthy relationship with food. (The shadows of eating disorders are slow to dissipate.) However, one of my favorite activities is exercise. As of recently, I’ve been going to the gym 5-6 days a week. Thanks to a fellow workout buddy, my new bench record is 120 pounds. I used to hate working out because I made it a chore-and now it’s a release I can’t live without. Unfortunately, now it’s contributing to a perceptual problem.

My American grandmother, on the other hand, will constantly feed me the “You don’t need to change; You’re perfect as is” message. While I am very appreciative of the love and support I receive from her, I can’t help but notice that this is also accompanied by subtle underlying messages that I should dress better, look better, wear more makeup, etc. Although times are changing, it seems like regardless of culture, women are still expected to be physically attractive over physically strong.

So what have I learned from this? I would argue that the message “You don’t need to change; You’re perfect as is” isn’t ideal. Why is that? For one thing, it suggests that change is negative, hindering the possibilities of positive growth. I argue that if one’s life is being hindered by negative body image, especially one that warrants the concern of a physician, change is needed. However, that does not mean that they are any less of a person. They are a capable individual who is taking a step in the right direction to improve their quality of life, whether through losing or gaining weight. Improve, not perfect. Furthermore, happiness is key. I would argue that I’ve never been more at peace at the weight I am now-my heaviest. I do things for myself and for my own well-being. This is so so important, regardless of the “fitness goal”. In the end, one should be doing it for themselves. If friends and family are bringing legitimate health and safety concerns to the table, they should be considered and addressed. But shaming is not the way to go. It often feeds the cycle of self-resentment and unhealthy habits further. So when shaming events like this happen, I suggest that one take it with a grain of salt, once they are ready to. First, are these tangible issues, or simply the result biased perceptions? Is an exercise and (balanced) diet prevalent? Is the person a sumo wrestler? (Shortly after this conversation my grandmother watched sumo matches, very ironic). We don’t shame muscular athletes for being fat because there’s context, so why do it for active women?

Although I feel annoyed and hurt by today’s events, I still plan on being as positive as I can. After analyzing the situation, I am able to look at it more objectively. I look forward to working out, finding a fashionable wardrobe suited to my tastes, and tackling new problems on the horizon. I hope that this may also help someone look at such issues objectively and thoughtfully. Stay strong, be mindful, keep moving forward.